by Beth Bovard
“Ninety percent of communication is nonverbal,” I recently learned in a communication skills training. “Body language is a powerful conveyance of meaning. What do you think a person means when they aren’t making eye contact? Maybe they aren’t listening to you? Maybe they don’t care about what you have to say?”
“Maybe they are ADHD,” I blurted out defensively, interrupting the class instructor’s smooth delivery of disparagement of my husband’s daily behavior. I may have revealed my own ADD in that particular moment too.
Lack of eye contact is just one behavior that you can expect from an ADHD adult. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) affects over 5% of the American population. That’s over 11 million adults. The likelihood that you will encounter someone in your life with ADHD is pretty high; in fact, you might know someone with ADHD right now, and not even realize it.
ADHD is a neuro-behavioral condition you are born with. It doesn’t happen to adults, so if you’re an adult with ADHD, you had it as a child and were among the majority that did not outgrow it. ADHD can be medicated, if needed, and managed, but never cured outright. Let me tell you about a few more behaviors that you might encounter with an ADHD adult, through my experiences.
Eye Contact and One-on-One
I wasn’t exaggerating about the eye contact. My husband often plays a video game while listening to me, and if I didn’t know better, I’d be wondering if he was visualizing me as the target he’s shooting in the game. But he makes eye contact occasionally and purposefully, to let me know he’s tuned in. I’ve tested him a few times, just to be sure, of course.
A lot of ADHD adults can rarely sit still and listen to a single conversation without a secondary stimulus going at the same time. But don’t take it personally; he’s listening, even if it doesn’t look like it.
Energy Level
ADHD adults only have two speeds: turbo speed and unconscious. If he is awake, he is busy. He is thinking, talking, reading, watching, and playing, usually all at once. A high-speed brain can be a great asset, especially for computer programmers, mathematicians, data analysts, and computer network managers. After a full day of super-fast thoughts, rushing emotions, and pent-up kinetic energy, many ADHD adults find it most helpful to do a cardio work out to burn it all off and calm the mind. Physical activity is one of the most effective stress-relievers in an ADHD adult’s self-management toolkit.
Hyper-focus
ADHD is an acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I have to laugh whenever I think too much about the Attention Deficit part, and I wonder if the person who named this condition had a child that never listened, and thus incorrectly assumed the child couldn’t pay attention to anything, ever.
The truth is quite the opposite. ADHD adults (and kids) often get stuck in hyper-focus mode. It can happen when they start to play a video game, or when they begin the housecleaning chores. It can happen when they start writing a computer program, or when they start reading a novel. In any of these cases, they start an action, and find themselves unable to stop until it is done. That can be handy when you want the garage thoroughly cleaned, but it’s not even funny when finishing that novel keeps you from a whole night’s sleep before a long work day.
Dyslexia
Like a large percentage of ADHD folks, my husband lives with a form of dyslexia. It’s not true dyslexia, since it could be better explained by saying that he reads or hears words too fast in his mind, and he can’t quite give those words the attention they need to be spelled or spoken correctly. This usually manifests as mis-reading words. A good example occurs when he reads a grocery list. It says “worcester sauce,” but he says aloud, “Do we really need water chestnuts?”But it’s also rather funny when he says words that are almost real words, like “…that guy is such a procrastinationist!”
Memory
An ADHD adult often can’t remember his family members’ birthdays. My husband even forgets his home address. Remembering little things isn’t a strong point for most ADHD adults (and kids), but luckily, with practice and determination, that aspect of the condition can be improved.
My husband always has a notebook. He writes down everything he knows he’ll want to remember later, from grocery lists to video game stats to projects and purchases he plans to work on. He makes a habit of recurring chores or behaviors, like trash is every Thursday, and keys and wallet go on the desk as soon as he comes in the door. It takes some practice and determination, but the forgetfulness that is often associated with ADHD can be managed with tools and behavior modification.
Organization
People say that ADHD people are disorganized. That is completely untrue. My husband has a system to his pile-management, and he knows exactly what is in each pile. Besides, you don’t need to see the desk to know there is one under there.
Interestingly, the key to getting organized is just to create a system for knowing where everything is. If you keep forgetting birthdays and addresses, that’s easy – just program them all into your phone or write them all in an address book and then you can refer to it anytime you need the information. If you often misplace your keys, just set a bowl or a basket near the door and start a habit of setting the keys in it every time you come through the door. Organization can definitely be learned!
The Big Picture
You might know someone who seems to have more energy than a ferret on crack. The person might mis-speak your name and look at his phone while you talk to him. He might have a notebook with him everywhere he goes and write it in at the oddest times. The person might forget to eat when he’s in the middle of a video game or doing a home improvement project. Maybe he missed a deadline or two, but his work is always excellent. Maybe he falls asleep in the movie theater but perks up when you let him play a game on his laptop while you watch a DVD at home. His amazing ability to drink coffee just before bed and still fall asleep in 15 seconds notwithstanding, you find you’re jealous of the sheer amount of caffeine he can tolerate while you vibrate out of your office chair after a 32-ounce bottle of Coca Cola. The person you know might be an ADHD adult, and now you’re a little wiser about what it’s like to be him.
04 Apr 2017
What I’ve Learned From Living with an ADHD Adult
by Beth Bovard
“Ninety percent of communication is nonverbal,” I recently learned in a communication skills training. “Body language is a powerful conveyance of meaning. What do you think a person means when they aren’t making eye contact? Maybe they aren’t listening to you? Maybe they don’t care about what you have to say?”
“Maybe they are ADHD,” I blurted out defensively, interrupting the class instructor’s smooth delivery of disparagement of my husband’s daily behavior. I may have revealed my own ADD in that particular moment too.
Lack of eye contact is just one behavior that you can expect from an ADHD adult. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) affects over 5% of the American population. That’s over 11 million adults. The likelihood that you will encounter someone in your life with ADHD is pretty high; in fact, you might know someone with ADHD right now, and not even realize it.
ADHD is a neuro-behavioral condition you are born with. It doesn’t happen to adults, so if you’re an adult with ADHD, you had it as a child and were among the majority that did not outgrow it. ADHD can be medicated, if needed, and managed, but never cured outright. Let me tell you about a few more behaviors that you might encounter with an ADHD adult, through my experiences.
Eye Contact and One-on-One
I wasn’t exaggerating about the eye contact. My husband often plays a video game while listening to me, and if I didn’t know better, I’d be wondering if he was visualizing me as the target he’s shooting in the game. But he makes eye contact occasionally and purposefully, to let me know he’s tuned in. I’ve tested him a few times, just to be sure, of course.
A lot of ADHD adults can rarely sit still and listen to a single conversation without a secondary stimulus going at the same time. But don’t take it personally; he’s listening, even if it doesn’t look like it.
Energy Level
ADHD adults only have two speeds: turbo speed and unconscious. If he is awake, he is busy. He is thinking, talking, reading, watching, and playing, usually all at once. A high-speed brain can be a great asset, especially for computer programmers, mathematicians, data analysts, and computer network managers. After a full day of super-fast thoughts, rushing emotions, and pent-up kinetic energy, many ADHD adults find it most helpful to do a cardio work out to burn it all off and calm the mind. Physical activity is one of the most effective stress-relievers in an ADHD adult’s self-management toolkit.
Hyper-focus
ADHD is an acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I have to laugh whenever I think too much about the Attention Deficit part, and I wonder if the person who named this condition had a child that never listened, and thus incorrectly assumed the child couldn’t pay attention to anything, ever.
The truth is quite the opposite. ADHD adults (and kids) often get stuck in hyper-focus mode. It can happen when they start to play a video game, or when they begin the housecleaning chores. It can happen when they start writing a computer program, or when they start reading a novel. In any of these cases, they start an action, and find themselves unable to stop until it is done. That can be handy when you want the garage thoroughly cleaned, but it’s not even funny when finishing that novel keeps you from a whole night’s sleep before a long work day.
Dyslexia
Like a large percentage of ADHD folks, my husband lives with a form of dyslexia. It’s not true dyslexia, since it could be better explained by saying that he reads or hears words too fast in his mind, and he can’t quite give those words the attention they need to be spelled or spoken correctly. This usually manifests as mis-reading words. A good example occurs when he reads a grocery list. It says “worcester sauce,” but he says aloud, “Do we really need water chestnuts?”But it’s also rather funny when he says words that are almost real words, like “…that guy is such a procrastinationist!”
Memory
An ADHD adult often can’t remember his family members’ birthdays. My husband even forgets his home address. Remembering little things isn’t a strong point for most ADHD adults (and kids), but luckily, with practice and determination, that aspect of the condition can be improved.
My husband always has a notebook. He writes down everything he knows he’ll want to remember later, from grocery lists to video game stats to projects and purchases he plans to work on. He makes a habit of recurring chores or behaviors, like trash is every Thursday, and keys and wallet go on the desk as soon as he comes in the door. It takes some practice and determination, but the forgetfulness that is often associated with ADHD can be managed with tools and behavior modification.
Organization
People say that ADHD people are disorganized. That is completely untrue. My husband has a system to his pile-management, and he knows exactly what is in each pile. Besides, you don’t need to see the desk to know there is one under there.
Interestingly, the key to getting organized is just to create a system for knowing where everything is. If you keep forgetting birthdays and addresses, that’s easy – just program them all into your phone or write them all in an address book and then you can refer to it anytime you need the information. If you often misplace your keys, just set a bowl or a basket near the door and start a habit of setting the keys in it every time you come through the door. Organization can definitely be learned!
The Big Picture
You might know someone who seems to have more energy than a ferret on crack. The person might mis-speak your name and look at his phone while you talk to him. He might have a notebook with him everywhere he goes and write it in at the oddest times. The person might forget to eat when he’s in the middle of a video game or doing a home improvement project. Maybe he missed a deadline or two, but his work is always excellent. Maybe he falls asleep in the movie theater but perks up when you let him play a game on his laptop while you watch a DVD at home. His amazing ability to drink coffee just before bed and still fall asleep in 15 seconds notwithstanding, you find you’re jealous of the sheer amount of caffeine he can tolerate while you vibrate out of your office chair after a 32-ounce bottle of Coca Cola. The person you know might be an ADHD adult, and now you’re a little wiser about what it’s like to be him.
by Beth in Nonfiction Tags: ADD, ADHD